mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
