And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
