I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
