Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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