just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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