Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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