Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
