That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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