Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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