a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
