Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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