She's JV to your varsity
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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