your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
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I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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