Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
