I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
