You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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