shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
