Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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