I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
