dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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