I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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