There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
