my phone needs a breathalizer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There's always time for handjobs
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
