Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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