We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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