please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
