He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
