Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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