I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
