Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Couch. On fire.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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