I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
