Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
