If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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