hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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