My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
