he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
