The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
