I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
