I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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