My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
