Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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