quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
