my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
