Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
