Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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