I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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