Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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