Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
