pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
