great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
