and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize