we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
