You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
