Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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