So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
