JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
