i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
