she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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