You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize