The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
